Ending the year with a BANG

Literally. So I have a story to share. It cracked me up, so I thought I would post another adventure in the life of Kate on this blog so others can get some enjoyment out of how ridiculous I am. Tonight, I pulled a "Kate". Pulling a "Kate" can involve hurting myself, forgetting something important, doing something stupid or absent minded, or doing something really random that no one can really understand why except to just say, she pulled a "Kate". This current example contains many of those criteria.

Tonight, I was getting dressed to go out for New Years Eve. Now, my bathroom is connected to a walk in closet. There is a door on the closet and a door to the bathroom itself. This closet door is ALWAYS in my way because it opens into the closet and therefore I am constantly squeezing around it so I can go behind it. Pain. Whatever. The bathroom door opens into the bathroom and I am constantly walking around this as well. Some engineering genius was having a bad day when he designed my bathroom/closet. So, I had just finished doing my hair and make-up and was trying to find a top to wear. Now, if you're a girl (and maybe a guy, I don't know), you put on a shirt, and then walk to the mirror to look, and then go back into your closet, over and over. In the middle of this process, I put on a shirt and walked out into the bathroom from the closet, squeezing by the door going into the closet. As I squeezed out of the closet, I turned to look into the mirror, thus cracking my bony elbow on the other door leading out of the bathroom. It was one of those bangs that makes you want to laugh and cry at the same time and maybe yell for your mother. I grab my elbow, wobble over to the edge of the bathtub and sit there, laughing at myself, rocking, and saying, "make it go away" out loud.... quite a scene. If Isabelle could laugh, she would have been laughing and pointing at me I'm sure.
After a few minutes of this very scientific way of making pain go away, it subsides enough for me to resume what I was doing. I walk back into the closet and I am glaring at the door, and then it occurs to me- why don't I take it off the hinges? Brilliant.

So, I walk out into my kitchen in my underwear, grab my tiny bucket of tools, and go back into the closet. The hinges are on the inside, so I close myself into the closet and begin removing the pins. The top one comes out without using any tools, which was promising. It did however get hinge grease or whatever all over my hands. I'm thinking to myself, only you would start doing this in the middle of getting ready to go out while you're all clean and ready to go. Then I move down to the next hinge. This one is tricky. So I take my screw driver and put it on the bottom of the hinge and hammer it up, so that the pin will come out the top (are you following me?)
This is working and eventually, the pin pops out the top-- only now the screw driver is inside the hinge where the pin used to be. I thought, OK, I'll pull it out and move on to the next hinge. Well, easier said than done. That sucker was stuck. I go to open the door, and surprise, can't open it. So now, I am sitting in my closet, in my underwear, with a throbbing elbow (there is like a lump that has formed) and I am trapped. I think about where my phone is in case I need help getting out, and yep, it is on the other side of the door. So, I did what I always do when I get myself into these situations-- I sat and laughed out loud to myself for a few minutes. Then, I began pulling on the screwdriver. Luckily, I eventually got it out (obviously, because it's not like my computer is in the closet right...?)
I finished taking the other pins out and successfully removed my door! I moved it to the back of my closet where it is still totally in the way! (Not surprised, while I was excited that I successfully removed it on a whim, it often works out that my spontaneous plans aren't perfectly executed.) It is great to not have to move around the door, and there is a lot more light in my closet.
The only problem is now I have to clean my closet because if anyone comes over and uses the bathroom, there is no way to hide the pigsty behind the door....

So, all in all I ended up with a door in a weird spot of my closet, grease on my hands, and a throbbing elbow- all in about 30 mins. I do feel like I avenged my elbow though....

Happy New Year everyone!!!

This Rules.

I hope the ridiculousness of this can brighten someone's day. It definitely brightened mine....



There is so much undiscovered talent out there....

O.J. Is Goin' To The Clinker

I just read that O.J. Simpson got sentenced to at least 15 years in the slammer for whatever he did this time. Listen, I have no idea what it was. I heard it had something to do with breaking into some one's hotel room for memorabilia or something in Vegas. The thing is, the guy is a fricken idiot. He obviously murdered those two people years ago- you would think that someone who just barely squeezed out of 2 homicide charges would take his sorry self and go buy an island outside of Dubai and hide out for the rest of his days-- I mean, that's what Michael Jackson did. But no, this dumb dude has to go and write a book on if he "hypothetically" killed his wife and her friend, how HE would have done it and gotten away with it. I mean, COME ON PEOPLE. This guy is not only a scum bag, but obviously a murderer- who, by the way, had his attorneys hide his assets so he wouldn't have to pay full restitution the the families of the people he murdered. And what was the deal with that ridiculous car chase? The man was already in the hole he dug- now he goes and breaks into some one's hotel room wielding weapons or whatever. It's like he started tossing dirt into his own grave. I am so glad that he is finally getting what he deserves- not only for the horrible crimes that he has committed, but for being such a fat-headed moron.

Movie Previews

Continuing a long tradition in my family, I like to go to the movies alone in the afternoon on my days off sometimes. I definitely look at it as a little escape from reality for a few hours where I can hide in the dark anonymously with my bag of popcorn or whatever and just check-out for a bit.
However, I really only go to see comedies and romantic comedies-and for good reason. I have enough stress going on in real life that when I pay to go watch a movie, I want to leave in a better mood than when I went in. I want the movie to give me a warm, fuzzy feeling to go back out into the world with. This is the precise reason why I DO NOT like watching horror/science fiction/scary movies. I will occasionally watch one in a well lit room surrounded by my friends, but I honestly can't remember the last time I did that. Also, older scary movies aren't too bad because back then the graphics and effects were pretty lame and it's not as scary. Not the case anymore. These days, movies are so scary and twisted that just the images give me the heebi jeebies without even knowing the plot. I am by nature a jumpy person, and I am just not built for that kind of stuff.
The last few times that I have gone to the movies (to see a nice, uplifting comedy by the way), there have been previews for horror movies before my movie comes on. These previews (as I am sure you all know) have that scary music and scene editing where it cuts to some one's terrified face and then to some image that is so disturbing to me that I can't get it out of my head. Today it was a zombie child with glowing eyes, walking in this bent-over-backwards, all fours, twisted position and his nasty dead face. I frankly have had enough. I didn't go to see a scary movie and I am not interested in seeing the trailers for horrific, nightmare conjuring previews. It's just not fair. I want pretty people falling in love in the midst of comedic scenarios where everyone has a happy ending and you get some good laughs. I don't want to have to leave the movies and put in a Disney movie in order to drown out the image of the dead kid. This madness has got to stop. The technology is too good now and things are just too scary- including the movie trailers.

Brothers and Sisters

If you all don't know already, I work at a place for kids that are removed from their homes for one reason or another. It is definitely a trying job, and we see all kinds of kids with all sorts of troubles. Sometimes the problem is simply their behavior- but most of the time, their issues stem directly or indirectly from their parents. There are occasions when we get kids in that have somehow avoided being too damaged by their parents and yet have to stay with us because their parents are too irresponsible or unfit to care for them.
It is pretty often that we see siblings come in- either at the same time or different times. Occasionally, the siblings are both placed together on our unit. Most of the time the siblings seem disinterested with each other. They don't hang out together, sit together, or even really interact at all. This always struck me as odd considering that they are in a new place, probably a little freaked out, and here is a person you know. But I guess having a relative with you isn't always that comforting. However, sometimes we really see the brother/sister bond in action. Right now we have a brother and sister, and the brother just floors me. The sister came in first, earlier in the day. Later, when the brother was admitted, he politely went straight into the community area and searched for his little sister. He had brought her a book from home that he knew she wanted and the reunion was almost a tear-jerker. Over the last couple of days I have watched him with her. This morning at breakfast he wanted to make sure she was eating and had everything she needed- getting up to get her milk for her cereal and sort of watching over her while she ate. Later today, he was discussing how some administrators thought that he might run from our facility, and he responded by saying that he would never leave his sister. At one point he was doing his laundry and went to her room to make her gather up her clothes so that he could wash them with his. Even tonight when it was time for the kids to go to their rooms, he stood in the doorway of his room making sure she was doing what she was supposed to do, and reminding her to listen to instructions. It is so rare to see this kind of nurturing behavior in these kids, and to see it from an older sibling to a younger one is really touching.
It made me think about how lucky I am to have a brother that would do that for me- that has always watched over me like that. We haven't always gotten along, but once we passed the petty kid stuff, all he has really done is look out for me. It really made me think about people that don't get a chance to have that sibling bond and what a gift it really is.
Anyway, just made me think. In this job where I see nothing but people doing horrible things to their kids, and then their kids in turn being horrible to other kids, a little compassion and nurturing really tugs at you, and I am able to see how special that really is.

Birthdays

When I was little, I so looked forward to my birthdays. One reason was that my parents always made my birthdays so much fun. My Mom would hide my presents around the house (one year I found a plastic horse in the refrigerator). Not only that, but I looked forward to getting older. When I was 10, all I wanted to be was 16. When I was 16, I was holding on for 18. When I was 18, I was waiting for 21- not because I was dying to drink legally ( I didn't drink at all when I turned 21), but because it is like you have met all of the checkpoints for life and now you have officially arrived. However, I would have preferred to stay at 21. I said it then, and I will say it now. Once you have reached 21, there is really no reason to get any older and now every birthday is like an insult. I try to think about what I did that mattered the year before and sometimes I can't come up with anything. So basically, it feels like someone is just stacking bricks on a board. When you start out, you want enough bricks to be in the game. But after that, they just keep stacking and stacking, and it feels like faster and faster, until the board breaks and the game is over. So, I guess you can deduce that I am not thrilled about turning 26. I know, I know, it sounds young to the people who are further along in the game, but to me, I have reached a point where the stacking is going too quickly and I would like a time out. Whoa there. Time. Out.

A Difficult Day

Today is a hard day for myself and many of my closest childhood friends. Usually, November 9th comes and goes with only a small group of people who were there knowing about the tragedy that took place. Isn't it interesting how life is? There are certain days in individual's lives that bring up such feelings of happiness, or sadness, and yet to another person that day is just like any other and we are isolated in that aspect of individuality. I actually feel lucky that I have a dozen people at least who were there and can share it, so I'm not alone. But then it occurred to me that now I have this blog as an outlet for that, and I can just put it out there for those of you that have a day (or days) that bring back bad memories.

It is amazing because it was 11 years ago now. I was 14 years old. Back then 11 years away seemed like an eternity, and looking back it feels like it just happened. Those of you who know me well know that I grew up riding horses at a barn close to my house. I was there day and night for years on end with my horse and a dozen of the closest friends any young girl could wish to have. We were like a pack of barn rats that literally grew up in that barn. Our horses were definitely more to us than barnyard animals. They were our comrades. We spent every day with them and not an hour went by when we weren't at the barn that we didn't think of them or plan out our next great adventure from high on their backs.
We used to walk from middle school in a big group down to the barn every afternoon- rain, snow, heat- nothing kept us away. In short, there was nothing more dear to us than our horses and each other.
On the morning of November 9th I woke up early at my house with two other friends from the barn. We always had sleepovers on the weekends but because there were so many of us we often ended up breaking into groups so we wouldn't drive our parents crazy... My Mom wasn't home and I thought that was weird since it was around 6AM on a weekend- I found a note that she had written that she was at the barn, so I immediately thought (as any 14 year old would ) that she was off planning my surprise birthday party. A little after that, my Mom came home and I'll never forget she walked into my bedroom where my friends and I were, and informed us that the barn had burned down that morning. We started screaming and crying and turned on the television. There was the barn on the news, engulfed in flames and gone. We then found out that only 1 horse out of 14 horses in the barn had survived. My horse and a couple others had been saved due to randomly being in the pasture that night. The rest of my friends horses were killed.
We immediately drove to the barn and the rest of our friends were there. There are two things about it that I will never forget- the first look at the barn, and the smell. The entire barn was gone. Laying on top of the ash were the bodies of all of the horses, spaced out in their individual stalls- their blankets had burned off of their bodies. I'll skip the disturbing details, but you can imagine that seeing this through 14 year old eyes is almost unimaginable. Looking back on it now, we spent that entire day guarding the barn. We sat in front of it, and the dead horses, and made it clear that no reporter or stranger was welcome. We sat there all day, like baby animals refusing to leave their dead mother. We watched the truck come and load the horses' bodies. That night we all slept together at a house nearby and I will never forget falling asleep to the sounds of my friends weeping in the darkness and the smell coming in through an open window.

The next day we had a memorial service. We gathered mementos and buried them in a box to be unearthed 20 years from the day. For a long time the land where the barn once stood was covered with piles of dirt- a constant reminder of our loss. We even found bones there while playing one day. We had a temporary barn that was terrible and it was in the middle of winter. But we kept going. People shared horses and we even went to an annual horse show and won first place. After time went by, my friends got new horses- they could never replace those lost, but forged their own special place in our history.

I'm not telling you this story to ruin your day- cause it's a bummer. But the point is the durability of the human spirit- especially that of a child. We literally watched a truck haul away the dead bodies of these horses, but we were so strong. The barn was eventually rebuilt (much nicer) and we all grew up over time and went in our own separate directions. Some of us don't even know each other anymore. The people that ride at the barn now don't even know about how there was an old barn and the tragedy that leveled it. But every year on November 9th, when I pull up to the barn to lay flowers down in memory of the day, there are piles of flowers there already because my friends who were there will never forget. On this day we're are all in the same time- November 9th, 1997- and it's a day that forever changed our lives.

Election Day

Parrots for Obama!

Doctors Versus lawyers

So for the last few days I have been wondering- Who is intellectually superior? A doctor or a lawyer? I mean, they both go through incredibly rigorous schooling to get where they are. They both have to deal with high pressure situations. But what I am really getting at is, if you put a doctor and a lawyer in a cage fight, who would win? I don't mean like a pediatrician or a tax attorney. I am talking about a hardcore surgeon versus a bad ass trial attorney. Supposing that artery cutting was against the rules, (because that would give the surgeon a clear advantage if it were not), who would be smarter and meaner? I have to say that the conclusion that I have finally come to is this- and you can think I am biased if you wish- but I think that even though attorneys act like they are G-d, I think that when a surgeon is in the operating room saving a person's life, they really have to think they're G-d, and therefore the surgeon would always emerge victorious. So there is my choice. In a cage fight between a trial attorney or an emergency room trauma surgeon, the trauma surgeon would be the victor. Plus, they know like a thousand ways to kill a person, and an attorney is just really good at forming an argument. No one cares about argument fallacies in a cage fight. Duh.

These Guys Are Just So Funny

These Guys Are Just So Funny

Health Insurance

Health insurance INFURIATES me. I can safely say that I hate health insurance providers so much that it actually triggers this rage that starts at the pit of my stomach and carries all the way up my throat and to my mouth- so I have to hang up the phone on the poor customer service woman for Aetna before my rage jumps through the phone and strangles her (since it isn't her fault at all).
I am not insured through my work because I am not a "salaried" employee- which is fine- so I have my own insurance that I pay for. I pay Aetna a ridiculous amount of money every month, yet every time I go to the doctor, I get a bill because there is some part that my insurance won't pay. You have no idea how much it pisses me off- considering that getting the insurance in the first place was a hassle because I have high cholesterol. Then you wonder if G-d forbid anything big happens if they'll actually cover you, or if they'll dig through your application and find that since you had a pre-condition of a hang nail in 3rd grade, you're not eligible for benefits anymore. How is it possible that they won't pay for ANY lab work until you reach a $1,000 deductible? How fricken likely is it that I would meet a $1000 deductible in lab work in a year? not very. I mean how much does a throat culture cost? Plus, after that they only cover 80%. I hate, hate, hate them. I feel like the insurance companies are robbing and ripping off the American people every day of the year and no one does anything. I seriously think that socialized medicine must be better than this- whether or not it raises taxes or you can't get what you want as quickly- because this is B.S. and I think that all of these insurance companies should be put out of business and not allowed to rip off the American people anymore. It is such a disgusting conspiracy.
This soap box message was brought to you by Aetna crap crap crappy.
I feel better now. I had to write it out or else I was seriously going to scream at that poor woman on the phone. I bet she gets screamed at a lot.

Last Night's Debate

I watched the final presidential debate last night, as many people did, and I walked away with a couple of favorite moments I'd like to share with you. First of all, be forewarned that this is a biased analysis- so if you are easily politically offended... don't read on.

First of all, I would like to start on a note not really related to any issue except what my friends and I refer to as the "lizard" issue. I don't know if any of you have noticed McCain's habit of sticking his tongue out like a reptile in between words and sentences, but my friends and I have found it to be a distracting factor when watching him speak. So last night we decided to tally his "lizard" tongue moves... and disturbingly enough, we counted 72 times that he stuck his tongue out, made that slurping noise, and sucked it back in. Ew. I felt violated. Do we really want a president that does that? Someone needs to talk to him about it.

Ok, so moving on from the disgust-- my favorite line from Obama last night happened after McCain had gone on and on about how Obama hadn't voted to save babies- calmly and cooly, Obama responded, "If it sounds incredible that I would vote to withhold life-saving treatment from an infant, that's because it's not true." It was actually one of the only times that Obama sounded like he was fighting back. I love Obama, but I have to say that during the debate I wanted him to man up a little bit. It reflects highly on him that he was able to stay so cool and rational while McCain was next to him slurping and rapidly blinking- but I wanted him to draw a line. He got bullied for a lot of the debate. Even though the second half definitely had Obama expressing his views better than McCain, he still got bullied. McCain would interrupt him and he would just stop talking. I wanted him to whack McCain on the nose with the newspaper at least once- even if it was subtle- just so we could see him exercise that back bone that I am almost positive he has. I don't know why he took all of that abuse without firing back a little more. At any rate, Obama definitely (in my opinion) appeared to be more in control of himself between the two, although I may just be biased because I am still upset that McCain called his wife a "trollup" and a "c*@t" in front of reporters at a benefit and no one is saying anything about that (ok so it was in 1992...but still...). It looks and sounds to me like John needs some anger management counseling.

My second favorite moment in the debate was when they were discussing Roe V. Wade and if the candidates would allow someone to be nominated into the supreme court if they disagreed with their particular view on the subject. Here is the video of McCain's response to that question:



I couldn't believe my ears when McCain said that he would never impose a litmus test on any nominee to the court and only consider the nominee's qualifications- then he says, "I don't believe someone who supported Roe V. Wade would meet those qualifications" WHAT!!!??? What did that guy just say?!?!? So John won't use his ideologies to make a decision, but since he thinks Roe V. Wade was a bad decision, if you don't too then you just aren't "qualified". Sorry. That scares me. Wow.

So those were my two favorite moments, broken up of course by the 72 incidents of tongue jabbing that McCain perpetrated (and don't forget the slurping sounds). I am relieved that the debates are over because while I want to watch them, I am so infuriated by John McCain AND Sarah Palin that I don't think I can really take it anymore. Even if you take out all of the politics, the two of them together are such a freak show on their own that they should drop out of the election and join a circus. There you have it folks- my conclusion: Obama for President, McCain/Palin for the greatest show on Earth.

House Fly

It has been cold in Denver lately- the other morning it dropped below freezing. For the last week or so, I have had an unwanted house guest in the form of a little black fly. I assumed at first that the fly was in my house due to the temperature drop and figured that since the life span of a fly is something like 48 hours, that it wouldn't be an issue. That was not the case. This fly has been alive and kicking all week. It also has a bizarre habit that is making me crazy.
I will not see this fly all day or night. However, as soon as it hits around 9 AM, the fly buzzes around my face and head. It lands on me and in my sleep I feel certain it is trying to crawl into my ear. For the last week, every morning consists of me smacking myself in the head repeatedly trying to kill the fly- and who wants to smash a fly on their own head? I swat the fly away and 10 minutes later it is back. It's so annoying that the Chihuahua even makes a couple attempts to grab it mid-air.
This morning I looked it up, and apparently the common house fly has a life expectancy of 20-30 days...Who knew?
So I am bound and determined to get that thing. I am going to find the thickest magazine I have and go hunting for it because I am sick of hitting myself in the head every morning- It will not ruin my mornings for 3 more weeks...

Lesson Learned.

So it was a rainy day here in Denver. My favorite kind of weather... everything slows down- you almost feel everyone around you stop to take a deep breath. I love it. And who doesn't love puddles, I mean really?



This kid learned the hard way what can go wrong during a good session of puddle hopping. For all of you in Denver, keep this in mind the next time you're tempted...

This is funny...

Sorry to be posting this on the eve of Yom Kippur, but I think that the Jews that read this will get a kick out of it (and the non-Jews too). Sarah Silverman (who is a Jewish comedian that EVERYONE tells me I look like ) has started this hilarious website called "The Great Schlep". The purpose is for young Jewish kids to blackmail their grandparents (in Florida) into voting for Obama by schlepping down to Florida to visit them. Check out the video...but be warned, it is a little explicit.


The Great Schlep from The Great Schlep on Vimeo.

Glow in the dark mini golf

When people ask what I do for work these days, I say,"I get my a** kicked and watch Shrek". That is simply the best description of it. Either I am solving some acute crisis or I am doing fun stuff like watching movies and playing. Unfortunately, it is never predictable, so some days it's all crisis and no play, and others it is mostly play. We took the kids from work to play glow in the dark miniature golf the other night and it was AWESOME. The kids didn't seem nearly as enchanted by the whole thing as I was. The whole room was lit by a black light, and the course was painted completely with paint that glows in black light. It was like stepping into into some psychedelic world. At first I thought it was just going to give me a major headache, but it turned out that something about the light and the paint sent me into a very relaxed state. While I was in there, I kept thinking about what it would be like to turn your house into something like this. I think it would make you really kooky after a while, but it was just so quiet and relaxing! Bizarre, I know, but I thought it would be kind of cool. Like living in Alice's Wonderland at night....

V.P. Debate

I don't want to talk politics, or analyze the debate last night (although, from what I saw, it was a massacre), but I do want to discuss Sarah Palin. All I have to say is that if she gets elected, I will never be able to turn the television on again, in fear that I might hear her talking. It doesn't even matter what she is saying. Her sugar sweet, cutesy act in combination with her "golly gee wiz" phrasing and her Fargo accent makes me throw up in my mouth a little. Every time someone asks her a question that she doesn't know the answer to, she just shifts into this school girl regression that not only annoys me, but it frankly freaks me out. It is obvious that she is one of those crazy women that talks like that while they're ripping your throat out... can we say passive aggressive? ugh, I just can't stand her. I live in fear of hearing her speak-- especially after the debate last night. I only watched a little bit, but I got a lifetime's worth of her ridiculous Alaskan soccer Mom act. I bet she's the soccer Mom that goes all Tanya Harding on some little kid before the game. I sense a little crazy under there....

My computer hates me.

It's not that I hate my computer-- I would really like to have a good relationship with my computer. But every time I think we're doing ok, Orion (that's my computer's name) decides to let me know that things really aren't ok at all. First of all, I would like to preface this by saying that all of my gadgets, be it my phone, computer, or printer are in cahoots with each other. It is running joke in my family that any time I buy anything, I should immediately return it because it will inevitably be defective in some way. Every purchase I make actually requires at least two visits to the store- without exception. My computer was one of these items. And now that the computer, phone and printer all sit on the desk together, they think it's funny to mess with my head. My printer currently is not working and I haven't had the patience to attempt to figure out why, so for months now it has been collecting dust. My computer refuses to let me connect to my wifi connection. This is particularly annoying when I want to use my computer to watch t.v. shows and I have to sit at my desk. Who can really relax watching a show whilst sitting at a desk? no one. I tried yet again to fix this issue today to no avail. I'll admit that some of these issues are human error. However, I know for a fact that some of the problem is that my computer hates me. It does inexplicable things that don't make sense (even to the mac geniuses) and this is how I know that it is possessed and it likes to make things difficult. I wish that we could find some way to work this out... but I fear that the frustration is taking hold of me, and I daydream about taking my printer, computer, modem, and phone, heaving them onto the train tracks, and setting them on fire. Or doing this:

Another great SNL skit

The scariest part of this is that some parts of this skit were repeated by Tina Fey word for word out of the actual interview with Sarah Palin...

I truly admire the blind.

I was driving down a friend's street today and there was a blind woman with her seeing eye dog walking down the side of the road. I was immediately struck by how gutsy you would have to be/become to live as a blind person. Living downtown, I used to always see people walking through the city with their canes and every time I am in their presence I feel an urge to congratulate them on how brave they are. I don't-- because I don't want them to feel like I'm gawking at them, although they may enjoy the praise. They would be standing next to me at a crosswalk and I would think, would I have the guts to walk into the street if I couldn't see anything? I guess desperate times call for desperate measures, but it just seems like such an impossible feat to me. The obstacles that they tackle every day just trying to make it from one place to another makes me want to give every blind person I see a giant pat on the back. Again, I don't because what blind person wants some stranger on the street touching them... but still. I think that they are just super awesome, and I want to throw them a party and tell them all how cool I think they are. Maybe I shall.

Holy Hell, Have You Seen Mary Tyler Moore's Face?

I was at a friend's house tonight and she was watching the show, "Lipstick Jungle" which I had never seen before but apparently Mary Tyler Moore has a small role on it. I was shocked and appalled to see what she has done to herself. Her skin is stretched so tightly on her face that I think it would be impossible for her to have more than 1 or 2 expressions- her eyes are practically on the side of her head. I am especially disappointed because I always thought of her as being one of those strong women in acting that would age gracefully- instead, she has mutilated herself for primetime tv. And what would Dick Van Dyke think?

The GRE Makes Me VERY Angry.

For those of you that don't know, the GRE is the "Graduate Record Exam". If you have never heard of it, you are one of the fortunate people who don't have to face the ridiculousness that is this test. Anyone who wants to go to grad school has to take this test. Just like the LSAT for law school or the GMAT for business school. These tests are all based upon fictional skills that somehow qualify you to pay A TON of money to get yet another piece of paper. Don't get me started. I have always complained of the irrelevance of all of these things, but like a good circus monkey, I jump through the hoop.
Having decided to jump through the hoop with as much grace (and success) as possible, I signed up for a study course (which is also ridiculously expensive, but if you are jumping through a flaming hoop anyway, why not guarantee that you're not going to light your ass on fire, right?). Last week I was sitting in this class which is two and a half hours on one of my only days off, and I was pissed. They make you learn this crap that you feel like you should already know, and then you feel stupid because you can't figure it out, and the kicker is that you are well aware of the fact that this stuff should be really easy, because it's simple. You don't even need a calculator. Yet, we're all just too STUPID to be able to figure out if the quantity of A or B is bigger. I have been in school for 16 years, and yep, I'm a dumbass. Hurray.

So anyway, the stuff on this test is so irrelevant that I am 100% certain that I will NEVER come across it again for as long as I live-- even if medical advances extend my lifetime by 500 YEARS I will never need to know what the antonym of ameliorate is--- which by the way, I don't. On the back of the word card it says, "similar meanings" for instance, "better" or "improve". Now those are words I've used. Why aren't those f-ing words on the test? how in the hell do you even say ameliorate and not sound like you are speaking a language you only hear on STAR TREK?

So as I was sitting in this class feeling angry and stupid, it came to me. They make you take this test TO BREAK YOU. They figure if you can make it through the sheer agony that is studying for this test, that you have what it takes to go through 2-4 years of grad school. I get it. Now, if it is really that, I say that they have the exam on more whimsical topics- like Smurf Geneology and Pig Latin fluency. Lets call it like it is.

Even now, I have just spent 45 minutes doing homework for this course, taking careful time to work out the math problems, and frankly, feeling like I am finally getting this thing down. Submit the practice test....And I got a 47% people! It even had the nerve to give me statistics on questions that I had chosen the right answer and then switched it back to the wrong answer. I'm ready to throw my GRE study book into a vat of hot oil. I want to fry it, cover it in some hot sauce and EAT IT because it would do me more good to injest it than to read it.

The GRE makes me VERY angry.

Dumb and Dumber

I was watching this the other day and it just so funny. I've seen this movie more times than I can count, but it still cracks me up. Jim Carrey is hilarious!

Your Hands are Freezing!

I Love Saturday Night Live....

Tina Fey really looks like Sarah Palin!

Miniature Mecca

My Mom and I were in Bed Bath and Beyond the other day and as we were walking in, my Mom gasped, grabbed my arm and said, "LOOK!"
I turned around, and low and behold there was a giant wall of baskets holding miniature things! This was like the most exciting thing to happen to us all day. We both stood there, in awe, staring at the baskets. Finally, my Mom spoke...She said, "This is going to take a while...I have to look at everything". There were the typical travel size things like soap, shampoo, etc. But there were also miniature shaving creams, miniature roles of toilet paper, and miniature packs of laundry detergent!
I know it seems silly, but I have always had a secret obsession with all things miniature. I've always said it was because I like things that make you feel like you're really big or small. Like, when I am holding a miniature bar of Dove soap, I am kind of Gulliver right? and if I am sitting in a giant chair and my legs can't touch the ground, it's kind of a regression to childhood and you feel like a light, little thing again.

Plus, they really come in handy. So, if you are in need of miniature, travel sized things, I definitely recommend you go to BB and B and behold the breathtaking wall of all things miniature.

My Tap Water Terrifies Me

To shoot a dead horse, I don't have cable. So I find myself reading the newspaper in the morning, because unlike my cable, the cranky bastard that I bought my apartment from didn't cancel his subscription when he moved. It's really a blessing and a curse because those things pile up like weeds and now I have pieces of newspapers all over my house-- which is certainly not helping me with my clutter problem. But that is a whole other blog.

I was reading my free newspaper on Friday morning, and I stumbled upon a very troubling article. It was entitled, "Drugs Found In More Cities' Water Systems". The article explained that after extensive testing of water in many, many cities, Denver and Colorado Springs' water tested positive for things like methadone, testosterone, doxycycline, and erythromycin (to only name a few). It explained that trace amounts of antibiotics, hormones, anti-depressants, and other drugs are slipping through the waste water purification process.

The reasons that this article ruined my water for me was two-fold. First of all, I don't care what anyone says-- it doesn't seem logical that constantly drinking hormones and antibiotics in trace amounts is harmless. It must have a long term effect...Like maybe the ineffectiveness of antibiotics? I don't know. All I know is that I am not a heroin addict, and I don't really want a steady treatment of methodone.

Secondly, it reminded me that there is poop in the water. I mean, not literally, but I was sitting there staring at my untouched glass of water thinking, "this used to be sewage." MY G-D, EW. EW, EW, EW. I understand that this has always been the case. I am aware that it is all filtered out and all, but if anything makes it through (like trace amounts of drugs), then what else is making it through? I get that it isn't harmful. But benign poop water is still not really ok with me. And now, I can't drink it. I am walking around all dehydrated- definitely not getting my 8 glasses that's for sure. Even as I write this I am thirsty. I can't even go to bottled water because most of the time, it is just bottled from some other cities' water. You know what it is? It's like the toilet. I don't want to know what happens after I flush it. I want to be blissfully ignorant. Damn the newspaper. Damn it.

G n' R

My friend, the financial advisor.

My friend just started working for Prudential, and he called me a couple of weeks ago asking if I would come into his office and let him talk to me for 30 mins about what he was doing, and to maybe discuss my goals. I explained to him that I had no goals, but that I would come meet with him. I was going in expecting for us to sit in his office and chit chat for a half an hour so that his boss would think he was building his client base. In fact, I had been trying to get cable yesterday and it was too expensive, so I had plans of discussing ways of getting illegal cable with him-- because if anyone I know has illegal cable, it would be him.
But I was mistaken. We were in a conference room with his boss going over his plan of action for analyzing my future. This is where I got deeply depressed. We talked about investment options, savings plans, insurance policies, etc. Each time I had to explain to him that none of these things were feasible for me right now. I have no money to invest. I have no family to plan for. In fact, it made me want to punch him in the face for making me meet with him. Also, I come from a Jewish family, and Jews do not like talking about death. We just don't. We are conditioned from little children that if you speak of it, it could happen, and therefore if the subject comes up, we must spit or knock or something because you must do something to counteract the talking about it. It is very uncomfortable. So as I am sitting there listening to him discuss the burden of funeral costs, I am fighting the urge to knock on that table or spit three times under my breath. But I didn't because I didn't want to freak his boss out. On top of that, there were water color paintings of the Daniel's and Fisher tower all over the room. This is a landmark building in Denver, and one of those things that is constantly reminding me about something I am trying not to be constantly reminded about...vague, I know. This is when it occurred to me that there are some times in my life that seem like scenes from a movie. This was definitely one of those times. So, I left his office feeling completely behind, old, reminded, unprepared, and cursed (from all of the death talk). I went straight to Best Buy, bought season 4 of Grey's Anatomy, and sat in an almost catatonic state for the remainder of the day. Moral of the story- don't do your friends any favors....

Isabelle Has A Super Stalker.

As you can see, my dog is adorable. There's no denying that. She's kind of funny looking, sometimes she has a look on her face like a really old, crabby lady- but then she makes little faces like this and you forget that she threw-up in the threshold of the door last night as you were leaving for a walk- where you couldn't let the door close and had nothing to prop it open. She helps me with my problem solving skills...

Anyway, as you all know, I moved about 6 months ago. As I was walking Isabelle in those first few weeks, I ran into a very strange lady. Apparently, she is my neighbor in the building across the street- but I know her as the weirdo who is driving by in her car and slams on the brakes to come accost my dog. She stopped her car and ran out, simultaneously asking if she could pet my dog. I'm like, OK, because it rocks Isabelle's world when some random lady on the street wants to pet her. As this woman is swooning over my dog, she begins to tell me that she works from home and that she would love to watch Isabelle any time that I need her to because she just loves her that much. Then it got weird. She was like, "If I weren't going somewhere, I'd take her right now"...Mind you, I hadn't said anything about needing her services, and I was thinking to myself, "Well, I'm with her right now... so I think we're ok...." So the lady finally unhanded my dog and insisted I take her business card in case the situation were to arise that I would want to call her.

Fast forward like 6 months....

Yesterday I am walking Isabelle (kind of in a hurry, mind you, because I was late for work), and here she comes again. Again she is in her car, slowly driving down the street with her window down. She spots us, yells out her window, "THAT'S THE DOG!" and comes running out of her car again. She was like, "I have missed this dog so much!!! what's the dog's name?!" and as she's petting Isabelle she was like, "I gave you my card. You still have it right? Oh I just love this dog, and I've only seen her twice" (I'm thinking, when was the second time? were you hiding in the bushes or something? weirdo. Then she said something like,"I live right up there (pointing to the penthouse across the street) and I'd just love to watch her. You own the dog, right?" That's when I really started to get the heebi Jeebies. I told her yes, and quickly dragged Isabelle away so this attachment disorder lady would get back in her car and leave us alone.

It was weird. That lady freaks me out. Isabelle doesn't seem at all freaked out. In fact, she would probably happily go live with crazy lady. I just thought it was funny that Isabelle has a #1 fan.....

As a side note... I was on my way to a friend's house the other day and I got lost (as usual). I was at a light and I looked over to see this dog grooming store... I thought it was pretty funny.

I am like, the best gardener ever...

Before

After



Do you see those tomato plants? and the jungle of basil?
Today is a cold, dreary day (which I LOVE), but I can't help but think that the first frost is on its way, and my victorious plants are going to die. I really don't want them to die. They have grown so much since I got them, it just seems like such a waste... I thought about trying to see if I could get them to survive the winter in my house, but that doesn't seem likely....plus, my adversion to creepy crawly things makes me think that they should definitely stay outside with whatever little buggy things are in their soil. Ew. Like that sand scorpion that terrorized me a while ago.

Wow.

As I was sitting at the final event of the DNC today, I was thinking about the cool things that I have seen. I have heard the inspiring story telling of Maya Angelou in person. I was in the presence of the Dalai Lama as he spoke about kindness. I listened to the Pope pray under the roof of St. Peter's Basilica. And now, I was witness to what feels like a historic event- the beginning of the possibility of not only the first African American president, but I believe a president that would go into the history books not only for his crossing racial boundaries, but his presence as a great leader. Even though I wasn't very close to the stage, Obama's speech tonight reverberated around the packed stadium and never stopped. The energy flowed in that place like something magical. It was like his determination and ideas mixed with the crowd's hopes and dreams, and together they grew into a mystical creature that could save the world. There are so many down and out people out there, and it is like Obama comes riding in on a unicorn, under a rainbow, with a bluebird on his shoulder, you know? Anyway, I felt like it was a historic night. I wish we could just fast forward to November and get it over with...

So much better than the circus.

Where to begin?
I walked two blocks down the street from my house and I ran smack dab into a group by the name of "Iraq Veterans Against The War". Now when I say "smack dab" I mean I literally found myself stuck in the middle of this group. It wouldn't have been a big deal except that they were dressed in camo garb and pretending like they were in a war zone. So they were swooping and ducking and pointing their finger guns in the air. Then the leader dude would shout something and they would drop to the ground all together. I don't need to tell you that I was that one moron standing there. I couldn't lay down because that would be really dumb, and standing there made me the moron standing there. Plus, they had an entourage of camera men and photographers-- so I am going to be in all of the film and photos...just standing there. I was telling my Mom that I should be a photojournalist because with my weird luck and timing, I'd always stumble right into the action, without even knowing it. I'm so Detective Clouseau.


So I finally lost the soldiers and made my way down the street. Not 10 minutes later I came upon two vans unloading cop after cop like a clown car. And a side note-- the van had a bumper sticker on it that said, "Obama for rock star, McCain for president", which I thought was kind of funny-- but I was also wondering why a tax dollar funded police department can have their opinion on the tax funded van?
Anyway, then the equestrian police strolled by.

I made my way down to Civic Center Park which is in between the Capital building and the City and County building. I thought this was a cool view including the public library and art museum- oh and the blow up Ralph Nader liberty bell...more on that later.

This cracked me up- this was a tourist woman getting her picture taken with the riot police. She was very excited about it, and surprisingly, the police officer seemed happy to help.

And there were the 5 mashuganas that always show up to the party.

Oh and this guy- he seems to be against everything and everyone. The thing that I was most confused about was that he was an African American man, and you don't really see African Americans wielding Confederate Flags....but whatever.

The other 4 people left this guy and I don't know who gave him a megaphone...but I thought he was gonna get his ass kicked.

This was awesome! It is like an off-road police golf cart! I so want one.

But no one did kick his ass, which I guess is good, but I was getting kind of board of listening to the Jesus guy arguing with everyone else, and then a parade came!




Every parade has someone making an ass of themselves.

Then right after the parade I ran into the grim reaper skeleton guy standing on a box in his Nike's. I guess 4147 is the U.S. death toll in the Iraq war (he didn't tell me, I looked it up. Skeleton guys standing on boxes in tennis shoes don't talk. Duh.)

And then we have the conspiracy theorists!

However, my very favorite part of this demonstration was this guy in the tie-- he looks like some poor schmuck that got stuck holding the end of the sign. I don't think he even knows where he is.

Then a homeless man was walking this adorable dog.

Now we're at that blow-up liberty bell I told you about. Ralph just doesn't give up, does he?

Next New York Times bestseller...

With all the discourse and chaos going on in the world, thank goodness there's always some moron there to think of throwing tea bags in the fountain. It's the Denver tea party!


Whew. That was a lot. I hope you have enjoyed Kate's amazing DNC adventure. The moral of this story is that there is a lot going on here in Denver right now. A little bit of everything, really....And a lot of crazy. Good night, and good luck.

Let The Games Begin!

So yesterday was the first official day of the Denver Democratic National Convention. As of yesterday afternoon there had been some protests, but nothing out of control or anything. I was at my apartment getting ready to go to work so I took Isabelle out for a walk. As we were walking, about ten Aurora riot police come sauntering across the grass by my building- now, I want you to get the full picture...They are wearing all black of course- flack jackets, all of their gear minus the shield, and yielding machine guns. They probably aren't called machine guns, but they have the same rounded ammunition thing and they look just like machine guns. So they're kind of lazily walking and talking, just swinging their machine guns around and pointing to things with them--like they're just an extention of their hand. Isabelle and I converge with them and she of course is not intimidated by the automatic weapons and is thrilled to see them. So I asked them if things were ok and they were like, "yeah, just loft shopping." They obviously didn't have anything to do without any riots going on so they were just kind of canvassing the area. I said, "So is everything going smoothly downtown?" and they were like, "We're over here wandering around, aren't we?" Then the guy was like, "In fact, you're the most suspicious person we've seen all day. And your dog. I think your dog is smuggling propaganda." It was so funny. So I told the guys that they should check out the warehouse by my building because it's creepy and there's a creepy old man who walks in and out and that I think he hides bodies in there. They seemed intrigued and headed over there to take a peak. A warehouse full of dead bodies and a creepy old man would have definitely livened up their day.
Today I am going into the city to take pictures and observe the circus. I'll post them ASAP and let you all know what's doin' around here.

Nightmares

The most bizarre thing happened to me last night. I had like a full blown, little kid-style nightmare. I jumped awake at around 3am, and I was so traumatized by my dream that I couldn't go back to sleep. Not that I was too awake to go back to sleep- I was to scared to go back to sleep. It was one of those times where you wake up and go, oh thank goodness it wasn't real. But I was still rattled. The whole time I am sitting there going, "seriously? you're 25. It was a dream. Get over it and go back to sleep." But I couldn't. I am telling you that I was so shaken up by this dream that I had to go and get an "I Love Lucy" tape to put in. I Love Lucy has always been comfort TV for me. I mean, who can really stay at a heightened state of tension with Lucy running around doing something stupid? or Fred Mertz making fun of Ethel? Needless to stay, less than one episode went by until I fell back to sleep. However, I still feel on edge this morning. I feel traumatized. It is so bizarre. I need another night's sleep to recover from the trauma of last night's sleep.

Trials and Tribulations

I have a really tough job.
I have always had jobs that dealt with tough issues- the underbelly of society so to speak. I've always had a job where I was responsible for a troubled population, whether it was homeless pets- or now, neglected children. But this job I have now is especially challenging. I have never worked with children. I never thought I had the desire to work with children. It is an entire skill set that I am lacking. I have learned a lot in a short period of time, but this type of work requires a lot of time to really get the hang of it. So, I go to work and I am winging it. Constantly. It has been a while since I have had to learn a new job, and I am not going to lie, it is difficult. The way to handle each situation depends on every child's individual history and personality. It takes so much give and take, balance between being tough enough and yet sensitive at the exact right moment. I am getting better at it, but a lot of times I feel like the cat in this picture. Like a cat that is trying to keep a pack of German Shepherds in line- trying to get them to do what I want them to do, all the while keeping my fingers crossed that they don't decide to eat me. I am sure that learning how to handle all of these different situations will serve me well from now on. There are definite positives to figuring these things out- like patience, letting things go immediately for the sake of the greater good or the bigger picture, good communication, and learning how to read someone to find out when the right time is to speak, and when it is time to shut up. It's just that there are so few moments that I feel like I am getting it right, which I know just comes with the territory of learning something new. Right now the defeats are outnumbering the victories. But I guess the good news is that the German Shepherds haven't devoured me yet...yet being the key word.

Sweet, Sweet Penicillin

I would like to take a moment to publicly thank Sir Alexander Fleming and Howard Walter Florey for having saved my life, on numerous occasions. As the two most responsible for bringing us antibiotics, they have most certainly saved more lives than I can imagine. As I have been laying in bed waiting for my Penicillin to kick my Strep's ass, I was contemplating how many times in my life that I would have died if it had not been for antibiotics. I probably had strep once or twice when I was little (at least) and then there is that nasty Staph infection that I had when I was in 8Th grade. I'll never forget how much pain I was in, and then within 2 doses of antibiotics, I could barely tell I'd had an infection at all. That was when my real appreciation for antibiotics started.
But seriously, think about it- how bad ass is Penicillin? I mean, I'm driving home from the doctor with my prescription and I'm thinking, "Oh strep... you messed with the wrong person. You are going to be in soooooo much trouble. Penicillin is going to kick your ass so bad, there won't even be a fair fight. Just wait until I get home, eat a cracker, and take my first pill. You will roo the day you decided to mess with me."
It almost makes me feel better, like Penicillin is a super hero and it's coming to save me from the evil bacteria, Strep. In fact, Penicillin is way tougher (and smaller) than most super heroes.

So yeah. I took my pills, and now I'm almost all better. Still have a little ways to go, but not too shabby considering I had a fever and giant ulcers in my throat the day before yesterday. Hurray for Penicillin. If Penicillin were a person and I were I town, I would throw it a parade.....

Popsicles Revisited.

So here we are again. Heinously sore throat, and no solution. A sore throat is so debilitating. How are you supposed to even lay still when your throat lining feelings like it is tearing 24 hours a day? Now, if you could see me you would see a girl who has an ice pack tied around her neck and a dumb look on her face because her prescribed Vicodin just kicked in, (yeah, the doctor thought it would help with the huge ULCERS in the back of my throat). But no, I just feel loopy and my throat is still throbbing. So, I desperately reach for a Popsicle, because what else is there to do? I get an orange, not my desired flavor but we've already covered that). I am trying to eat this Popsicle even though the sheer act of swallowing makes my eyes water. It isn't helping at all. Nothing is helping. Then I look down at the half eaten Popsicle, and I see part of the joke peaking out- you know how all Popsicles these days have jokes typed on the sticks? Now, I was thinking that Popsicles are a great summertime snack, and a healthy alternative to ice cream, BUT- They are also used for Strep throat (case and point), tonsil removal, wisdom teeth issues, and a myriad of other ailments to the mouth and throat. So, I was thinking that I really wished there was something encouraging on that Popsicle stick, like maybe, "everything is going to be OK." Or, "This pain will not last forever", or even, "Go to your happy place". Not that it would work- I would probably just curse at the stick and tell it to F-Off, but I think it would be better than a joke. I'm looking at that stick thinking, "I have a temperature of 102, my neck hurts, my throat is throbbing, I have to prepare myself every time I swallow, my head hurts from the fever, I am sleep deprived, and I can feel my pulse in my glands on my neck. Do you really think I want to read a F-ing joke right now?" It has become clear that the makers of these Popsicles need to put more thought into them, and I need to take a larger dose of Vicodin next time.

Funny Video

So, I had a long night at work and decided to post a funny video... you know, a little laugh therapy. I have always loved the comedian Michael McDonald from Madtv. When he pretends to be Stuart (a little boy), he is just hilarious. So here is a video of him being Stuart and Susan Sarandon being the tooth fairy.

Memory Lane

I have been having a bit of an identity crisis lately. I have these periodically-- I think that everyone probably does at one point or another. I used to attribute them to being around the time a new semester started, but now that I am out of school, I have just realized that my identity must enter crisis mode quarterly....
I was at my Mom's house tonight, and of course I was venting to her about my renewed frustration regarding my path in life and how I really would like it if my life could be like one of those books- you know, the ones where they tell you all of the options for the endings and you get to choose? I just feel like I have so many options that I don't know about... How am I supposed to choose without knowing all of my options?
Anyway, while I was at her house, I grabbed some bins to clean out that had some of my old stuff in them. I love the mystery of going through things like that, because you never know what you are going to discover- or what you may remember that your brain has hidden away somewhere. It was actually perfect timing, because at times of transition in your life, it becomes really easy to forget who you are, exactly. I found old notes and pictures that I haven't seen in a decade. It really helped me to remember where I came from and what my foundation is. It is bittersweet because things are so different now than when I was in middle school or high school, but some things are the same. I still have some of the same friends. It's weird to read a note from a friend talking about little kid things- like sleep overs and first kisses, and then to know that I am having dinner at her house tomorrow, where we'll talk about work and life over a glass of wine. Such a twilight zone- but it is so great to have people in your life besides your family that have known you for that long. They really become entrusted with keeping your history. They were there when you were a mischievous pre-teen, and when you were a rowdy teenager, and they will help you remember how you got here. That's what I needed tonight. To remember how I got here.

Holy Bajesus.

I came home from work tonight to this lovely house guest. Now, I am not one to squeal over bugs. I don't even really mind the occasional small house spider as long as it's not touching me. But this beast is not ok. This thing is like a spider on steroids. In fact, I made the mistake of googling it and found out that it is nicknamed a "Wind Scorpion" because it is so fast. I did find out that it isn't poisonous, but they do bite with their GIANT pinchers. The kicker is that I found this thing about a foot away from my bed on the wall. I know the pictures aren't great, but with the legs it was about the size of a quarter and I swear it would have gone for the throat. Now I am sitting at my computer wondering how I'll be able to settle into my bed tonight.