Sunday Funny

This Sunday funny is brought to you by the funny folks in Monty Python and The Holy Grail...One of my favorite scenes.

Popsicles

I hate to point fingers, but the girl who is training me for my new job was sick- you know, the gross sick. And well, I think that she is the guilty party that has caused me to be in the situation that I am in now. Sick. Not just a cold either, but that kind of sick that you feel like your body is wasting away slowly....anyway, I went to the store this morning and bought some medicine and stuff, and I also got some popsicles. This afternoon, I went to get a popsicle and saw that they still don't label them individually as to what flavor they are. I don't understand this- do they think that the flavor doesn't matter? Cause I'll tell you what, it does matter. It matters a lot. If I had my way, I would eat all of the Cherry flavored ones first. They are simply my favorite, and I find them to be superior to the Grape and Orange. I am sorry, but that is just how I feel. I would then proceed to eat all of the Grape, and lastly, I would settle for an icky Orange one when there were no other flavors to go with. Orange popsicles are only good when they have the vanilla ice cream stuff in them. Then they are delicious. But the plain orange, not so much. So I find myself reverting to old methods of holding the popsicle up to the light to try to see the color through the opaque wrapper (which also makes no sense). If you aren't going to take the time to label the popsicles, why not just package them in clear wrapping? I think this popsicle issue needs to be addressed before millions of other people have to eat an orange popsicle instead of a cherry one simply because they lost the color guessing game. Seriously.

Have You Noticed....

The phenomenon that when you drop something, it manages to bounce, roll, or slide into the hardest to reach place without any explanation? This happened to me this morning. I was pouring Isabelle's food into her bowl, and one tiny kibble fell down and managed to wedge itself between the washing machine and the wall. Keep in mind it was falling downward, and by the time I located it, it was already wedged into the crack. Then it occurred to me how bizarre that is- and how it happens to me all of the time. It made me think that this phenomenon must be one of the many great cosmic jokes that are played on us humans- Like missing socks, finding things only when you stop looking for them, and bumping into people you really don't want to see in random places that you would never expect them. Anyway, there's your weird idea for the day....

Mark The Day

I started my new job today- It certainly wasn't my first job, and I am almost positive that it won't be my last...But there was something very different about today. I got home and was walking Isabelle during the dusky blue hour, and I realized that starting from this morning when my alarm clock went off, things will never be the same again. I went to my salaried job and came home to my mortgaged house--and this definitely has "the beginning" written all over it. Sure, I may go back to school, and things are going to ebb and flow like life always does, but the starting point is different than it has ever been before. My base has transformed. I stood with Isabelle looking at my building, my feet hurting from my high heels, and I realized that this is that "When I grow up" time that we've always talked about. Don't get me wrong-- I have no delusions that I am grown up. I know that I am going to try to figure out what to do "when I grow up" probably for the rest of my life. But this is certainly the closest I have ever been. It's like a time warp. My barn girl friends and I used to sit around on the ground eating old carrots from our tack trunks, covered in dirt and sweat, and now we sit around a table with cocktails in our business attire recounting our days at the office. It's just such an out of body experience. The best part is that there are so many mixed feelings about it I am like the horse of a different color, changing all the time. One minute, I am so excited to finally have gotten here. And the prospect that this is just the beginning is so exciting. On the other hand, I am like, Holy Crap my student life of mid day movies and staying out late on weekdays is definitely over... at least for now.
Anyway, excited for the future, sad to let go of the past, and wondering what's in store tomorrow.

This is weird.

Bill and I just so happened to have a fleeting conversation about chickens without heads the other night- (not as weird as it sounds), and then I came across this today.

Apparently, Colorado isn't just known for the Rocky Mountains, but also for Mike, the headless chicken-

How long can a chicken live without it's head?
According to my "General Book of Ignorance", Mike the chicken lived for 2 years. Mike was from Fruita, Colorado. Apparently, the axe missed the jugular vein and left enough brain stem attached for him to survive, even thrive. Mike became a national celebrity and toured the country as a side show. He was fed through an eye dropper, and even gained 6 lbs over the two years he had no head. He was even on the covers of Life and Time magazines.

Then, one fateful night in a motel room, Mike started to choke, and Lloyd Olsen, his owner, realized he'd left his eye dropper at the last show. Unable to clear his throat, Mike choked to death. Now, every May to mark his passing, there's a "Mike the Headless Chicken Day".

Things that make you go, hmmmmm.

Sunday Funny

I figured with it being Easter Sunday and all, that this video would be appropriate.

A Little Story About Isabelle

So, I thought I would share a little story with you all about what Isabelle has been up to lately. First of all, since we moved to the new apartment, she has been VERY well behaved. Oddly so- to the point where I feel like she must be doing something and hiding it, because she is being so good.
However, Isabelle does have a little problem with small rugs- for example, a bathroom rug. She LOVES to pee on them. Don't know why, but any time she is in the presence of a bathroom rug, she will find a way to pee on it. I didn't let this deter me from getting one though. I have never had one, and I figured that I can keep the door to the bathroom closed, and worst case scenario, I can always wash the rug. So, I bought one the other day and within a week of getting it, sure enough, Isabelle the "Urine Sniper" struck again. When I noticed the spot on the rug, I was really like, "Ha ha, try again- this doesn't bother me because I can wash it." Because I know in my heart that Isabelle is just using her bowels as a weapon against me. So, I dabbed up the pee with some toilet paper and put the paper in her litter box- just to make a statement about where her pee belongs.
I wash the rug, and everything is fine. The next day, I come home and happen to pass by the box and see that the toilet paper wad is gone- now, I am starting to wonder if I am losing it. Did I throw it away or flush it without remembering? has she shredded it somewhere in the house? or most likely....did she eat it? No to all of the above. I walk around the house and no sign of it. Eventually, I give up and about 30 mins later, I am walking by my bed and see something unbelievable. That little vindictive, evil genius is taking a lovely afternoon nap on my bed, next to the pee toilet paper. Only she has un-wadded it so that now it is a good 36 inches of urine stained paper, in my bed, almost touching my pillow. Now if that isn't a true "F-You" I don't know what is. All I can do is wonder what I did to piss her off.

Law Enforcement, You and I Now Have Beef.

You know, I have always been a good, moral, law abiding citizen. Even when I was in high school and people expect you to be bad, I was good. In fact, I usually spent my time taking care of all of the people who weren't good, law abiding citizens. I was the designated driver, the conflict manager, the risk manager, you name it- I was putting out fires all over town. I am the person who finds $200 dollars on the ground and not only tries to find its rightful owner, but when I can't, I don't feel lucky to have found it, but guilty. I'm that person.
That is why I am so pissed off with law enforcement.
It all started last week at a job interview that was at a police station. The interview quickly took a turn from a discussion to an interrogation and I felt like I was no longer applying for a job, but that I was 3 inches tall, 16 years old, and I had just been picked up for ding dong ditching. There were 3 cops- 2 good cops and 1 "bad" cop. You know the one I mean...buzz haircut, says everything at you- like he's trying to scare you all the time. The only thing that would have made it perfect would be if he had a box of doughnuts sitting in front of him. He was just plain mean and he ruined my interview for me. I would have been GREAT for this job. But instead, he decided to focus on my trespassing ticket when I was 17 and whether or not I ever tried pot in high school. This is where the bruise from law enforcement started, and it was cemented today.
So I am driving down the street downtown- literally 2 blocks from my house. I am distracted, I won't lie. I am thinking about 100 things at once (like everyone is, all the time), so I don't know exactly how fast I was going. I do know that the road I was on turns from a 35 mph to a 25 mph within those two blocks. At least I know that now...
This cop pulls me over and tells me I was going 41 in a 25. I don't believe him because not only do I not think I was going that fast, but my radar detector never went off. (Side note, yes, I have a radar detector. I used to have a serious speeding problem, and now I don't).
BUT IT NEVER WENT OFF. There is no way that guy zapped me with the radar gun. So I ask to see the gun, and sure enough he provides the evidence. I still don't believe him. But that is besides the fact.
The entire concept of the police and law enforcement has gone to shit because of it's position of power. These people should be your friendly neighborhood cops. Studies have shown this actually lowers crime rates. Instead, the have monthly quotas of speeding tickets to fulfill for that month, and so at the middle/end of the month, they sit around like spiders on a web. And isn't the best placed to knock out some fast tickets in an area where the speed limit changes suddenly and almost unnoticeably.
It's not that I have a problem with the ticket itself (I do because I think that he was full of sh*t, but that is besides the point). If I was speeding, I deserve a ticket. But the fact that they sit out there meeting a quota really pisses me off. This man has single handedly ruined multiple things for me at once. My car insurance will be going up in May, and half of the jobs I applied for that involve driving and a good MVR are now out the window. So after I finished weeping about it, I decided that I now have a beef with law enforcement. I am officially shunning the police.

Sunday Funny

I have decided (just right now), that it would be really fun to post a "Sunday Funny" video, every Sunday....although, that was kind of implied in the name.

Anyway, today's Sunday Funny is brought to you by Jim and Dwight from the show, "The Office". I love these guys.

Oprah's Big Give

Have you guys watched this show? Since I don't have cable anymore (my free cable lasted approximately 4 hours....I think all the bragging bit me in the a**), I have been watching shows on ABC on my computer. I have watched 2 episodes of Oprah's new show, and every time I cry like a baby. It's bad enough when you're in a movie theater, but to be sitting at my desk, in front of my computer, I feel especially weird spontaneously bursting into tears. It's just that this show is in the spirit of helping people (I don't care if ABC and Oprah are raking in dough, the show helps people which is more than I can say for 99% of television). The contestants get money and have to think of the best way to help strangers. I think that if anything, it is a great reminder for people of how easy it is to help someone else. It also really drives home the fact that everyone has a story.
At any rate, when the contestants give the people in need their gifts, you can actually see the weight lift from their shoulders- and I burst into tears every time. I think part of it is that they have good music on the show, and anytime you put good music to a montage of teary mothers with their babies, you're gonna cry. I do come from a long line of weepers, but seriously, you guys should watch this show. It leaves you in a much better mood than the news. AND, I just love Oprah. You people can mock and judge me all you want- I just think that not only did she come from a terrible background and overcome, but she is a smart, powerful, and GENEROUS person. And boo yeah for being like the richest woman in the world. Oprah for president.

Who Has Free Cable?

I have free cable!!!!!
See, I didn't transfer my Directv because I was waiting to get a job and see how much money I will be making, and whether or not I can afford it. So, I have been having a lot of awkward silence in my house and watching extremely fuzzy and rotating Judge Judy when I get desperate. Of course I have some DVD's but I've seen them all too many times. So today I was looking at the Directv box that I still own and thought, I'll plug it in- just in case. I had a feeling.... and then....Martha Stewart on Fx!. I have FREE CABLE. I have slipped into some kind of loophole... I even have HBO. Don't be jealous. It will probably turn off at any moment. It is probably left over from the last homeowner, and he just didn't turn it off by now. But what if the service provider just never shut it off? Oh joy, oh bliss. Maybe it's the universe making up for the fact that the locksmith that made me wait ALL DAY yesterday never showed up. I think it's only fair that things even out now and then.....

Very Funny Stuff

My friend Jim is a comedian here in Denver, and he had some questions for the makers of Veramyst. It's pretty entertaining.

Veramyst

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The Universe

I used to think that I never wanted to age, and I wanted to stay young forever. Yes, kind of a Peter Pan complex. The truth is, I would love to be like....9 years old again. That was great. All you had to worry about was if your Mom remembered your fruit roll-ups at the grocery store, and whose house you were spending the night at that weekend. However, as the years tick by, it all goes downhill. Now, I would like to skip my roaring twenties and go right into my thirties where I have a career and a life path. It is all those in between years (like 9-30) that you spend having no idea what you should do with your life. People tell you all the time that you don't need to know yet. And then BAM. You need to know RIGHT NOW. Not necessarily what to do with eternity, but you certainly need to know what to do tomorrow. And the next day. The, "you don't need to know" thing is just a false sense of security. Then you wake up and you're 25 and could do anything from driving a UPS truck to giving rectal exams all day and you have no idea where to even start. I guess I can rule out the rectal exams, but you know what I mean. Then, when you finally decide to dabble in something, there is that whole barrier of actual qualifying and getting hired. Take my friend for example. She decided to do something, and has planned her entire immediate future around it, and then today she gets a "sorry, you weren't chosen" email. What the hell are we supposed to do with that? Not only does that make you feel totally rejected, you now have no plan. Instantly. Then it's back to the drawing board and deciding whether to sell lemonade or become an astronaut and you are just as lost as you were when you graduated from high school. Forget the added pressure of choosing the first catalyst for the rest of your life. I mean, one thing usually leads to another, and by that thought, whatever I choose now will lead to the next thing and the next. So, what if what I choose now seems great, but there is something greater that I don't even know could have existed. It's like those books that came out when I was in middle school where you could choose the ending by jumping to a certain page and there were like 4 options. My life is like one of those books. While you can say there is no wrong choice, there are certainly greater and lesser choices- and I will have no idea until I can look back at it all when I am 100 years old, and it's too late to do anything about it. Urgh. This is why people go back to school.